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[10 Feb 2009|05:53am] |
the one person i wish i could spend every day with.... doesn't even want to spend more than 5 minutes with me.
the one person that i feel like i can trust, doesn't trust me.
the one person i would drop everything and anything for would preoccupy his time with anything other than me.
the one person that used to be the only thing that could make me not cry... is now the only thing that makes me cry.
the one person i feel like talking about everything with... wont even hold a conversation with me, barely a sentence.
the one person i feel like i knew for a fact was my best friend... isn't even my friend anymore.
the one person i think about more than anyone doesn't even let me know i ever cross his mind.
the one person i'll wait forever from a phone call from... doesn't even keep my number around.
the one person who i feel like i could hate more than anyone, i somehow still love.
the one person that i wish was right by my side... is moving.... literally as far the hell away from Atlanta, Georgia as it gets without leaving the country.
i literally feel in my skin like i'll never see you again. and i won't get over it... i'll forget about it. and forgetting about it isn't the same as getting over you. i don't fucking care about relationships and boyfriend/girlfriends as if i haven't made that clear enough to everyone i ever interact with. guys mean all of 2 things to me.... none of which have to do with romance or love. i'm talking about someone who was my best friend.
if you ever loved someone, don't hurt them... because when they leave you, there's never a sure chance they'll come back. and if they do, it wont ever be the same. and you'll always kick yourself for wondering what you did that was so wrong.
i'm just out of things to distract me from reality right now.
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| losing a friend. |
[29 Oct 2008|07:21pm] |
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i don't update in this bullshit anymore. but i need to release some emotions. and i am not trusting any human beings with them. so here it goes.
i know what i did was wrong. i don't know how you were ok with me for so long after it. i can only imagine how you feel. i know the reason all this horrible things are being said about me and to my face because i betrayed you. you are hurt. and you want me to feel as hurt as i hurt you. maybe i thought i was doing right when i did what i did, but maybe there was some resent underneath my skin i couldn't even come to terms with. everything i said to you from the beginning was how i felt. i feel like i hate myself for hurting you, more than you could ever hate me. and now that it's over and there is no use to try and earn my respect back. i know all you want is for me to hurt as bad as i hurt you. but seeing how bad i hurt you to begin with i feel is what really did me in. not all the horrible comments. i know deep down i would never want you to die. you were my little sister and i loved you more than anything or anyone. drifting apart is very hard after you've loved someone so much. so if being hateful and hurting me, pushing me away, making me want to hate you.. is how you choose to deal with this. then in the weirdest, most non-self righteous "i'm trying to be the bigger person" way... i can respect that. i know you. i know under all that resent and hate, it would be so much easier if we could just love eachother, be best friends, listen to all our songs, and tell everyone the funniest jokes they've ever heard... but there is no easy way to make yourself hate someone you used to love so much. it's weird.. all the "come backs" and "disses" and hurtful things we've said to eachother, and you've said to and about me... we've said about other people before. we came up with them together. we laughed at them together. we'd sit around and talk about our insecurities and what hurts us... and sometimes we could just knew how eachother felt deep down without saying anything. but never did i think it would come to the day where i would use everything you hate about yourself against you. i almost feel sick to my stomach when i do it, because i just think of exactly how you look when you cry. because when everyone let us down, we were always there for eachother. now one of the only people i feel like i could cry in front of and not self conscious around, is the one person i feel like i can't cry in front of. the one person i have to be tough and suck it up around. the one person i feel like i have something to prove, but never will be able to get my point across to. it's not about winning anymore. for what i did, i'll pay the price. i said i never meant to hurt you in the beginning, and i don't want to hurt you now. everytime i say something hurtful about you... in the back of my mind, i take it back. even now, despite everything, i'd still go down if i knew it'd make everything better for you. the things you're saying to and about me are hurting me so bad. and i know you know they are. i already feel awful about myself. if i could show you one thing... it would be what's inside my heart. what's inside my brain. what really really is going on. i always thought i could be real with you, and i always was. but after i did what i did.. i know how hard it is to think i was only trying to help. it's actually unbelievable if you ask me. but at this point, i said i'd take a bullet for you. so even if it's not necessarily a bullet. but if what you're doing to me and saying about me is making it easier to cope with this whole situation. whether is pushing me away to make everything easier.. or taking it out on me... or getting me back.... i'm ok with that. not initially. i've never been so hurt and depressed in my life. but i guess it's what i deserve. i just want you to know, i'm hurt, and it hurts, and i'm scared. but underneath all of this, everything, every little horrible thing that has been said and done. somehow i can find it in my heart... and i know that i love you. i'll miss you friend. and i hope even if you don't have a chance to tell me to my face, or have a surfaced reconciliation... that you will forgive me. and you don't even have to tell anyone you forgive me. but i just want you to accept my love and compassion for you. what we had, i'll miss. but after all that's been said and done, it can never be the same again. not for you, not for me. but maybe one day you can see me and not feel anything bad about me in your heart. because all the hate i have for you is in my mind. but even after all this bullshit, it could never be in my heart. i'm sorry. i aint mad at cha.
anna
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[02 Oct 2008|11:57pm] |
"Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time." -Sara Paddison
in other words.... YOU'LL GET YOURS MOTHERFUCKAAAAAAAA HAHA
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[23 Sep 2008|02:54pm] |
even when everything else has lost it's touch... fall is a familiar feeling that is always comforting. it's almost like... even though everything sucks, as soon as i go outside i feel like everything could be okay. october is my favorite month. i get so excited about it.
it's also a kind of sad month now, something i would normally look forward to is now something i wish i could forget. and i will forget it, if not for genuine reasons, just to keep my sanity.
lily is seriously the most perfect little girl ever. seeing her just makes me wanna be a mom. it's the loving companion part that i'm missing. i feel like when i meet the right guy i'll want to make little clones of him. sometimes i wonder how elli can even look at lil without feeling sad though. i see her daddy everytime i look at her. regardless, cutest baby ever.
whatever, i'm so far away from what i used to know. can't trust anyone in a romantic sense. my whole ideal on love and feelings towards someone are going to be fucked up for as long as i live. i would rather feel numb. something that can make you so very happy has the ability to make you feel like complete shit to. i never want anyone to have that sort of power over my emotions again.
i feel completely lost right now. there is nothing i can count on at this point in my life. someone asked me what makes me happy.... the only thing that comes to mind is my chihuahuas and cats. everything else is just a minor detail that will always leave me eventually. nothing lasts forever.
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[18 Sep 2008|07:16am] |
everyone is retarded.
i wanna go see criss angel mindfreak in las vegas. he has changed my life. i think he's literally a demon from hell.. like he's possessed. there is no way the shit it does is ILLUSION. no fucking way. the stuff i've seen him do has changed the way i feel about the whole world. lets just hope i don't trip acid and end up watching him on tv... i might hunt him down thinking he's the "Messiah". LAWLZ stigmata! lets burn sage and chant shit. haahaha
uhhh i'm going to new orleans tomorrow. it's gonna be the shit. be back on sunday.
i'm just sad i can't spend the weekend with my man... :(
gonna go to opera next thursday.
i'm going to jail if i don't take care of this court shit. jesus, help me.
fall is awesome. the weather feels better everyday.
i knew i could move on from this old feeling.
"2 can play that game" is one of my favorite movies. fuck, it's so good. seriously.. watch it.
ANNA
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| I always knew |
[13 Sep 2008|05:35pm] |
i have never hated someone so much in my entire life. i am shaking so much right now because the adrenaline fueled by hatred wont seem to leave. you can only ever truly hate someone you feel like you've truly loved. i guess i have lost the "game" because i have felt emotions so sour and cold i didn't even know they existed. i literally can't seem to comprehend how someone can be so cold. like this person could know i was gonna die, and turn away and yawn. i feel like the biggest piece of shit ever for letting myself ever care for this person. i feel used and lost. i have never been so depressed and fucked up in my life. my days are lived throughout time periods of how soon i can get drunk again. i never used to be this way. i have lost myself, and my mind. i lost it the day he brought the other girl in when i wanted to hand him a box full of his things and our pictures together saying our last goodbyes. i couldn't even face him. i just had to sit there with shit all in my face, and didn't even get to say goodbye. my parents ended up handing him that box, and sending him on his way. his "freedom" from me. my mom walked back up with the very first thing i ever bought him. i knew right then he wanted to forget me. that i had no sentimental value. i was nothing. there was never closure. he didn't even have to get over me because he dove back into something else so quickly. i can't really say i can think of anything that has hurt me so bad in my entire life. and whether he, or anyone else wants to face it... it has made me seriously depressed. like i am a human being, and i have emotions, and they completely effect the way i live. and because all my emotions now are derived from that very day... all i can ever feel like is shit. and i can't deal with that, so all i ever want to feel is numb. he walked right the fuck past me. the same person i thought i knew better than anyone else, who used to share a bed with me everyday for over a year. the feeling in my stomach made me so fucking sick. when i look into his eyes, i can't even see him. i don't see him. it's like he's looking at me, but he's not. i call him crying asking to see him cause that's all i ever wanted from him since that day. and even when i'm with him.... i'm not with him. he can so easily take from me when he needs something, but he doesn't get anything out of ever giving back. i never even asked for anything back. all i asked for was for him to be him, and accept me for who i was. but all i ever felt around him was ugly and worthless. it doesn't even make since i could allow myself to love someone who make me feel THAT shitty. i still feel every emotion i felt then, even more so. and i'm supposed to try to live my life day to day, and be ok with myself? and no therapist could ever understand all the shit i've gone through with him. i'm sick of repeating the stories and explaining myself. you just had to be in our apartment to understand the cold lonely undertones you'd get in there. so here i am now, it's almost october... about 3 years from when i first met him. and i have gone off the deep end. i just wish i never got excited about him, i wish i never drove to see him to set the foundation of our relationship. i can't take this feeling that wont go away. it's not love, it's not hate... i just feel sick overall. and it hurts even more that he tells me i need to seek mental health. ok... you win.. i feel insane. but instead of being a man, and dealing with me... you just want to push me away. like you push everyone away. like i'm no longer his problem... and i have to deal with shit he has unknowingly put in my head. like i'm his crazy obsessed ex girlfriend... which completely spells out to me that he has ego issues. like i'm not calling him to give him that benefit or prove a point. all he wants to do is chase around his friends and be apart of something. and the one person who wants to be apart of his life, he doesn't even fucking care about. or wait.. he does. you know.. my favorite line "i love you, but i'm not IN love with you". that sums up my whole life. i feel like that is the epitome of everything between us. i'm just another thing, but never a priority. i have never met someone so selfish in my life. and for the first time, i feel like i wanna be dead. not for his benefit, but for my own. I will never be ok with him and I will never be the same again. of all the stupid shit i've done in my life... i would relive it over and over if i could just take back everything between me and him. i just want it to go away. i don't want him to go away, i want everything to go away. every "i love you", every butterfly, every fight, every night spent crying alone. i want it all to go away. everything. because i can't live like this. he can, because he's so fucking numb. but i can't. he fucking wins. every little mind game, every point to be proven... i have lost. and as of today, september 13th 2008.... if i had one wish, it would be to never have a thought of him again. not a good or bad one. i have deleted his number and said my last goodbye through a voicemail. and i just want it to end. i want this hell to end. and if i ever see him, i wont see him. he is a stranger. and not in a mean way, but in a non-emotional, non-attached way. all my other friends are lucky cause they atleast get to argue with their exes. they get the benefit of knowing their ex-boyfriends atleast cared about them. and desired them. but i tried so fucking hard to be the best lover i could, the best girlfriend i could. i put my whole heart into it. and i got nothing. my life got horrible. everything good could never be worth something this bad. it's not worth it. it's not worth the way my life is now. he lives his life day to day, and the only time he ever thinks of me is when he wishes i'd leave him alone. every kind thing i have ever done for him is appreciated, but taken for granted. he doesn't realize how much he has hurt me. and he will never. he will never know what it feels like to feel as low as i do.. because of another person. his apartment could be robbed of everything, his car could be fucked up.... but it will never amount to this emotion that will haunt me forever. an emotion that is so overwhelming i can't even fucking explain. i feel like all this writing was a fucking waste of time because there are no words to explain how low and hurt i feel. walk right past me, kick me while i'm down. i wish he was atleast getting some sort of gratification for the way he treats me. but he doesn't. he doesn't think fucking twice. he's so off in his own fucking world. it's not fucking fair. and i have lost a part of myself i will never recover again, or so it seems. all i'm good for is a quick fuck and temporary amusement. that's how i view myself. that's all i ever was, it's a joke to think i'm anything more. my parents know it and the person i put my whole being into, everything i had to give, knows it. they know me better than anyone else.. and they know my true colors. i'm nothing. i'm shit.
I've lived my life inside daydream lies
Imaginary friends that always knew one day I'd leave for good
I'll give away this girl who tried to make you fall i love
I'll give her to you so keep her close to you
So you won't forget about oh how she loved you
So long ago, once upon a time
Now she has grown up, and you can't take it back
A lullaby won't change my mind
And I won't ever go back to that
I will stay true to this belief that we've changed
For the best through this
Seperate the ones who know you
From the ones who couldn't bother to see you for all that there is
Deep down I always knew all the times
I thought that I loved you
It was just an easy answer
It was make believe
But I still believe that this heart will learn to love
-anna
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[02 Sep 2008|03:15am] |
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throughout my life I've tried so hard for a name and purpose, only to realize, life brings what you need to you. and the most gracious gifts are the least anticipated. and so, i don't change myself to plead acceptance. because when you're a nice person... it shouldn't be to plead social uprising or self gratification... it should never be for any other reason than the fact it's what is genuinely in your heart. and initially you wont always be respected... but life will work things out. and at the end of the day... you will be able to rest your head knowing you did all you knew to do without any dishonest intentions to resolve a need for belonging. you did what was in your heart without logic behind it. you did it out of unconditional love. and that's enough for me, regardless of anyone's reaction.
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[15 Jul 2008|04:53am] |
people so easily drift away from me whenever they get to caught up in their own bullshit. just cause i'm not hanging out with you this week doesn't mean i should go higher and lower on your top 8. so easily forgotten and admired just because you don't wanna hang out with me. i never change... that's the one thing everyone knows about me. no matter what bullshit goes on, i'm always just anna. it's everyone that fucking changes. get a clue, who the fuck are you? i feel like i'm surrounded by leaches... suck me dry until you find someone new. if i'm just your flavor of the week... i'd rather just sit at home and rot. wanting to party with me cause i have money and alcohol. only liking me around when it's convenient for you is pathetic. find out who the fuck you are before you think you know anyone else. i bet there is a million people who i think of all the time who only think of me when they're out of something to do.
or like... coming back to me whenever they break up with their girlfriend. fuck you. not just one guy. all of you. i'm LOLing while those predictable bitches fuck you over. told you so.
you'll all be back once you realize these other people are only temporary. every single one of them. fuck.
idiots.
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[24 Jun 2008|02:13am] |
i am so burnt out on everything. and everyone. it's monday night and i don't want to do a damn thing. but just sit around and be thankful i don't have to see anyone.
my ex boyfriend still hurts me. he doesn't even try and he does. it's hard to be friends when i'm not even past being mad at him.
i guess i'm moving home this weekend. the same weekend i turn 20. happy fucking birthday to me. but who the fuck cares? no one
back in your head by tegan&sara is such a good song. i hate tegan&sara but that song is just like.. the shit. for more reasons than one.
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[09 Jun 2008|09:15pm] |
everytime i talk to my parents they yell at me and tell me what i'm doing wrong unless i'm giving them a hair cut. they don't ever come down to see me in atlanta or eat dinner with me. when they do, it's at their convenience. my mom would rather come pay for my pedicure then get one with me. and when i ask if my friends can come over they tell me they don't like having people over all the sudden, even though their friends are over ever single week. my dad comes to move my washer and dryer out of my apartment so i can clean up everything behind it, but instead of telling me how spit shine my apartment is, he just goes on and on about what i haven't cleaned yet.
sooner or later i'm gonna have to drop out of school. no one even gives fuck. no one ever did. it's only fun to be around whenever i can buy people shit or let them use something. they can't ever just not be pieces of shit. i fucking hate everyone. there is not ANYTHING or anyone i have to depend on. my whole like is "...in the mean time..." always waiting for something good to happen that never does. friends that don't give a shit where i am or what i'm doing, my parents who are in their own little world that doesn't involve me or my friends until i call them out.. then they get all defensive, and the only boyfriends i've ever had are mooch cheater liar pieces of shit that make me feel like a ugly failure. i can safely say i hate everything.
what the fuck happened to last year? my mom used to care about where i was and what i was doing. my dad used to cheer me up.
someone hit me with their car. i'm not meant for this world and these people.
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[23 May 2008|06:49am] |
all i know to say is... when i'm like 20-something, i really hope i don't care about the internet. like i don't care that much now. but i'm not gonna pick fights with teenage girls. that's just straight up embarrassing. there is no getting around that. get a life... no, seriously. stick to your career (which, if it were up to me.. you wouldn't have) and maybe use your spare time doing something productive.
uhhhhhh i can't help but listen to glam rock all the time now. it's just really really good. i'm actually starting to care a lot more about music, like i did in high school. i think the whole problem is.. when you're around people who make music into a social group, it doesn't seem worth it anymore. like it's all about the tattoos and who's who. (the tattoos that have absolutely no deeper meaning behind them other than they make you look more acceptable). it's nice to hang out with people who wear even tighter pants, and evn have hair cuts like me... yet don't give a shit. because my life is none of their business. all they care is that we like the same music, and we just chill and talk. we don't have to post bullshit or get into other people's business. it's refreshing and genuine. it is about the music... we're connected through the music.
that's all i really have to say.
school all day every day. i live, breathe, think hair/make up. it's like.. weird.. but it's good. cause it makes me happy to know i'm going somewhere in life. I'm going to a open house for the next school i wanna go to on saturday. YES
Anna
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[06 May 2008|08:40am] |
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haha everyone is a gay ass retard. forreal. shut up. no seriously, including me. man kind is GAY
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[01 May 2008|05:33am] |
i feel embarrassed for so many people. just because like, they think they got it together.... but in reality, if they did, they wouldn't be putting down other people. which may sound hypocritical. but get real with yourselves.
my mom thinks i'm a stripper cause she sneaks around my myspace. i'm like almost 20 fucking years old. like, what the hell. lay off. after the shit i've been through the last year, i wouldn't be surprised myself if I was a stripper.
theres only a few things that keep me going these days. not that i don't have everything a girl could want, and more. but I see through all the fake bullshit and people and temporary happiness. and i know what's solid and good for me. it's been hell getting to this point. this summer is gonna be good. i am starting to realize the less shits i give about people, the less the shit on me. cause i don't let them get to me. i walk around with a guard up i refuse to take down. and it feels good not giving a fuck... like.. genuinely... not... caring... finally.
i am getting so tiny. i'm back to the size i was in highschool. 15 more lbs and i'll be good... like perfect.
this weekend is gonna be good. like every weekend. every weekend of my life is the best weekend of my life. every weekend of my life is why i live life and survive the shitty days. every weekend of my life defines my happiness. my friends are the shit, and they're fun. and i can't imagine what anyone else could be doing that even halfway compares to how much fun i have. i mean, i reallllly don't. it's cool having people that are fun to party with... and people who are still there for you after the partying is over. and i'm glad i can see who those people are and aren't.
anna
ps-
MY PERFECT ANGEL WAYNEEEEEE. HE LOOKS SO FAT IN THIS PICTURE, IT'S UNNATURAL
"CHILLIN" AT THE APT. WHEN THE AIR CONDITIONING IS BROKEN. TAKE COLD SHOWERS AND HANG AROUND IN SWIMSUITS.
cool pix
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[30 Apr 2008|01:05am] |
i love my chihuahuas so much. they make me happy no matter what.
shit is weird lately. i've never been so happy and sad all at once. regardless, my cup is half full. school everyday, no matter what. isn't that crazy?
where are all my girl friends? i feel like i see them less and less cause i'm caught up in my own world.
anna
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[20 Apr 2008|01:05pm] |
my new life is the shit all the time. i know where i am at and who i can trust for the first time in my life. steve is my new room mate... and he is exactly what i look for in a room mate. he grocery shops, takes care of me when i'm sick, never trashes the apartment, helps me clean it up, cooks for me, helps me out with money (vice versa). he never asks anything of me. and i know i can depend on him. somehow we can party, chill, do whatever.. whenever. and he makes it to his work from 7 to 5 everyday. it's a good balance. i needed him in my life. like a good brotherly friend. i can trust him, he's my partner. i have never been annoyed at him... never. not once. we just get eachother.
crazyyy saturday night
everything in my life is starting to make sense. I feel older... it's crazy. like, to be responsible and worry about yourself and take care of things without depending on anyone else. it's a good feeling. things are looking up for me... consistently. despite the bad shit.. here and there.
anna
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[17 Apr 2008|02:51am] |
i don't see see what anyone could see in anyone else.... but you.
always. always. always.
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[14 Apr 2008|02:45am] |
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ew cut your hair please. it's grossing me out. lolz.
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[06 Apr 2008|08:39am] |
my life is this shit. my parents don't really like me anymore, but i've never been happier than i am now. my credit score is so high. i am getting an awesome job. and i still got a good head on my shoulders. love everything. this summer is going to be so good.
I WANNA MAKE LUVINDIS CLUB IN DIS CLUB
PS- I GOT THE NEW TRINA CD.
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[25 Mar 2008|07:22am] |
well just when things started to calm down i gotta another 2 punches thrown at me.
if i had one wish it would be that my parents wouldn't be so afraid of letting me go and do my own thing. i mean, that's the only thing i can think of to explain why they refuse to help me out. it's not going to be mentally healthy for me if i depend on them right now. they can't help me out anymore. i think it's kind of unfair considering my sister's expenses exceeded mine by a long shot and they never seemed to care... but i can do this. this is my one time to say "ha, i told you so". i will prove everyone wrong. i love my apartment more than anything... it's more than a place in atlanta.. it's my home. if anything ever happened that would make me have to move away from it, it'd kill me. i will make things work out if it's the last thing i do. i wish my parents could help me. but something deeper is testing me. first a breakup from hell, losing my relationship with my mother, trauma of the tornado, my friend almost being killed, losing my last job, and now my parents saying they can't support me anymore. these are all signs telling me to grow up. and i can either be hurt. hurt that these things had to happen to me, hurt that no one will ever understand the way my heart feels and what my brain thinks... or i can get mad. and now, i'm getting mad. no one is going to take my apartment away from me. it's all i have. i dont have a boyfriend, i don't have close ties with my family, i dont have a normal brain that doesn't make me feel crazy no matter what, and i don't have a lot of GOOD friends. but i do have my apartment. and i will fight to keep it. it is the happiest place i can be. there really is no place like home. things can only get worse... try me. nothing can phase me now. i'm comfortably numb.
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[17 Mar 2008|09:52pm] |
being 19 has been without a doubt the worst age yet. everything i could possibly think of that has been the worst experience of my life has happened now. i don't have an apartment anymore and i have to move out of it because of a TORNADO in GEORGIA. what are the fucking chances??
tomorrow i get to see steve though. just hang out.
tonight jennifer is doing my hair.. i'm going all out nikki sixx/motley crew.
i want to get a sleeve i've decided. it would just look right on me. so fuck whatever anyone else says.
friday i have a date. with a really cute boy thats in school and has all this cool shit goin on.
then saturday i get to see all my guy friends. love them. nothing could make me feel better than they can. funniest, cutest, crazy asses ever.
anna
i've gotten sooo good at doing hair. it's unreal.i'm the shit at highlights, black girl hair, and especially haircuts (as always). i'm gonna change people's lives. no joke.
anna
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dreaminjapane5e's journal
